Picture: Theresa May pondering her next move; DonkeyHotey, Creative Commons. NB: this piece is a satirical interlude!
This one’s a simple trick, really. First you take your run-of-the-mill Conservative policy, designed to please donors but carrying the unfortunate side-effect of impoverishing your average citizen.
Then, and here is the magic, you twist it round, focusing on how it hurts FROGS, I mean, foreigners and, hey presto!, suddenly here’s a policy everyone (what I like to call the 52 per cent) can get behind! Putting in place the bureaucracy to deny people healthcare as the first step towards private health insurance? No problem! Passport checks for pregnant women are just stopping those NEGROES, I mean, Nigerians from comin’ over here, havin’ their babies, stealin’ our hospital beds [mmm, thank you Paul, just keep doing that DACRE, I mean, darling, no need to SCOUSE-BASTARDS, I mean, stop].
I was worrying about how Brexit would pan out for my ratings: relations are frosty already, an abrupt crash wouldn’t look good, and let’s face it, our plans for a tax haven Britain are only going to help wealth creators, not the plebs.
But THATCHER-IS-DEAD-LONG-LIVE-THE-THATCHER – excuse me, I’m not sure what’s happening to me today – then I thought: why think of it as cutting public services and workers’ rights to the bone? It’s actually plucky little Britain sticking two fingers up to the Europeans – if they don’t give us a deal, we’ll threaten their tax bases with a low-tax jurisdiction to put Juncker’s Grand Duchy to shame. Ha!
What people are getting at WINDMILL-WINDERS when they say patriotism is the last refuge of scoundrels I don’t know – it offers so much for every occasion, why would any SCUMBAG, sorry, self-respecting politician not turn to it first?
Anyway, now this tactic has been extensively road-tested, I’m going to roll it out on a much larger scale. Death taxes? It’s not just to cut the d..d..d..DEATH-TO-TRAITORS deficit, but let’s face it, the only way most youths are GYPOS, ahem, going to get housing is by inheriting it, and if the Romanians thought there was any future for the young here at all, frankly, where would we be?
As for those CUNTS, ahem, Corbyn-loving under-40s, by the time they’re old enough for their votes to be a threat, I’m sure my Glorious REICHvolution will be complete.
I hope you’ll excuse me now – I do seem to have a rather bad case of the Alberts this morning.
Thoughts on statecraft from the Mother-of-our-Nation Theresa, as told to Nick Dowson.
This piece is due to be published in the upcoming issue of DEFUNCT magazine! For more info get in touch.